Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours
Cost $599.99
Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando
Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.
Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.
Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include
- The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology,
- The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships,
- The Primacy of Church Discipline,
- The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed,
- The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity,
- A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm,
- Why Our Bible is better than yours,
- Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and
- Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.
via cheaper than therapy: 2 Perfect Christian Conferences.
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speakers all come from diverse seminary backgrounds… even if they all have “south” or “southern” in the name, really, they’re all eclectic
Check Out This Conference!
Theme: Our Gospel is, well, Gospel-less
Cost: $59.99, but the other $240 of your mandatory donation will go towards funding an all-expense paid trip for Princeton Theological Seminary students to “learn” from an indigenous tribe in Africa. They’ll learn, that’s all. Remember, we refuse to invoke American Colonial Christianity upon their lifestyle.
Location: An elite, Ivy-League College in full array with its Post-Christian roots.
Speakers: No men, that’s would patriarchal. Instead, 18 women, and four cross-gendered individuals who self-identity with more masculine traits.
Music will be provided by Sigur Ros whose unintelligible words cohere with our commitment to expression-less words. In addition, the emergent Cohort from Dallas will perform a native American rain dance.
Each sermon, eh, I mean “conversation” will last 13 minutes, of which 5-9 minutes of each “conversation” will entail the problems with the Western institutional church.
Individual Break-Out sessions include:
- The Primacy of Self in theology.
- The Way to Freedom: Post-Colonialism and Male Oppression
- Learn our Vocabulary: 50 Words to Make You Missional, Conversant, and Hip.
- Men Suck. Women rule.
- Nietzsche for the Rest of Us
- 1st Semeseter Philosophy: Or, How to Impress and Intimidate your Southern Baptist Pastor
- 16th Century Theology and the Constantinian Fall
- Why Atonement Completely Undermines Christianity
- Just Cause: Islamic Terrorism and the Need for Self-Exprssion
- Poetry with Peter Rollins: How (Not) to use Onomonopia
Lens Crafters will also be on hand to customize you for an authentic pair of Hipster eye-glasses, autographed by Social-Media gurus Tony Jones and Doug Pagitt for a mere $250.
Tony,
THAT is one of the funniest posts i’ve read in a long time.
Steve, I believe that conference already happened. In fact, I think I saw it advertised on this blog.
Great stuff, man!
Steve,
before working so hard next time you might want to follow the links.
Great post – love it! A little clever satire/parody is always good.