Tony Jones » funny

CollegeHumor.com Takes on the New Testament

Tony Jones — Sun, 29 Aug 2010 10:51:25 +0000

It’s no Life of Brian, but it did cause me to laugh out loud at one point (you can try to guess). Here’s a taste:

God: Hey Jews.

Jews: Hey.

God: So listen guys, I’m thinking we go in a different direction with this whole religion.

Jews: What?

God: You know, do a non-gritty reboot. Same God taste, new God packaging. That sort of thing.

Jews: We don’t follow.

God: Okay, work with me here guys. Remember the whole ‘angry God’ thing?

Jews: Vividly.

God: Where I killed a whole bunch of you and-

Jews: Yeah.

God: And forty years in the-

Jews: We remember that.

God: Not to mention Robo-Hitler. Yikes.

Jews: Wait, what?

God: Whoops, forget I said that. “Spoiler Alert”, am I right?

via “The New Testament” by Lev Novak on CollegeHumor.

HT: John Musick

Worship Leaders Shouldn’t Talk

Some Inside Jokes for the Theologically Educated

Tony Jones — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 11:40:32 +0000

At Faith and Theology, Kim Fabricius and Ben Myers have posted a bunch of clerihews about 20th century theologians. Pretty funny, if you’re into this kind of thing. Here’s a taste:

Rudolf Bultmann
One day began
To study the Gospel of John; and found, to his satisfaction,
That pretty much every word was redaction.

Hans Küng,
When he was young,
Rose to the top. Almost.
Now he is toast.

And my two favorites:

C. S. Lewis
Must have smoked cannabis
With Narnia creatures to write the banality
Of Mere Christianity.*

“Jürgen Moltmann,
Can
The world,” we ask, “live without hope?”
“Nope.”

Be sure to read the comments, too, where some readers have posted a few more gems.

HT: Christian Century

*I realize that some readers consider it a cardinal sin to say — or even think — anything negative about C.S. Lewis. Well, sorry, but he’s overrated. So are The Beatles.

Zeus 1, Jesus 0

Tony Jones — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:36:20 +0000

This 7-story statue of Jesus, the pride and joy of Solid Rock Church, was smote by lightning and burned to the ground last night.

Now, only the steel frame remains.

Pat Robertson, what say you?

(I am sorry for the church’s loss, and they’ve already promised to rebuild it. But, maybe, God will prevail upon them to spend their money on some people who need it.)

HT: Courtney Perry

Are You an Emogelical?

Tony Jones — Fri, 28 May 2010 12:59:58 +0000

Here’s some Friday fun. I think it’s time to coin a new term: Emogelical. It’s a mash-up of Emo and Evangelical.

Among the Urban Dictionary definitions of Emo is,

A group of white, mostly middle-class well-off kids who find imperfections in there [sic] life and create a ridiculous, depressing melodrama around each one. They often take anti-depressants, even though the majority don’t need them. They need to wake up and deal with life like everyone else instead of wallowing in their imaginary quagmire of torment.

And among the Urban Dictionary definitions of Evangelical is this bitter rant,

A sect of christianity that is full of mindless, brainwashed followers who spend their entire life in misery when they aren’t spreading the gospel. The whole sect is full of middle class/rich white folks who want to go to church to be entertained by crying, hysterical preachers and find new prejudices to be in support of. They believe that their religion is the only way of life and refuse to accept any other ways. There is no ‘conversation’ with evangelicals…they only convert. BEWARE.

***

Emogelical

White evangelical Christian males, under the age of 40, who wear skinny jeans, attend Q Conferences, and think there’s a 72% chance that Jennifer Knapp is going to hell for being a lesbian. They care a lot about poor people, from a distance. They get Seth Godin’s daily email and they think that Tim Keller is right about the atonement, even though they don’t quite understand him. Hair is very important. They are known to create drama in the College and Young Career groups at mega-churches for breaking up with their girlfriends because “the Lord just wants me to be single for a while, so that I can really give him all the glory,” and they say that they’ve “kissed dating goodbye.” When they start dating someone else in the College and Young Career group the next week, they say, “the Lord just really laid it on my heart that I need to start courting again.” Emogelicals often take online seminary classes and work as baristas.

***

Whaddya think, Zach?

If you think you’ve got a better definition of Emogelical, or an example, please post it in the comments.

God Does Not Have a Mustache

Tony Jones — Fri, 28 May 2010 00:10:31 +0000

Unless, of course, it’s an ironic, hipster mustache.

N.B., This post is (NOT) part of a series exploring apophatic statements about God.

Check Out this Conference!

Tony Jones — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 02:17:58 +0000

Our Gospel is Bigger than Yours

Cost $599.99

Location: Nashville with telecasts in Louisville, Dallas, Seattle, LA and Orlando

Speakers are 10 White Men, 5 of which wear suits and 5 of which cuss and wear Ed Hardy shirts.

Music will be led by a good natured bearded folk singer with “edgy” lyrics about sovereignty and reworkings of really old hymns of proper theological content all with never ending crescendos … and his pregnant wife.

Each sermon will be 45-50 minutes long, unless more time is desired. Topics will include

The Primacy of Sovereignty in Theology,

The Primacy of the Word Primacy in Preaching, The Primacy of Men in Relationships,

The Primacy of Church Discipline,

The Primacy of the Pastor’s will being done as an indication of His role as God’s Appointed,

The Primacy of the Heresy of Emerging Christianity,

A Discussion of the Heresy of Brian McLaren by the 10 speaker in which no one is allowed to dissent from the norm,

Why Our Bible is better than yours,

Why the Atonement is Not a Rose, but is a Tulip and

Why We believe in Depravity of Man and the Sovereignty of God but Are Still Right about Everything.

via cheaper than therapy: 2 Perfect Christian Conferences.

My Debut as a Voice Actor

Tony Jones — Thu, 25 Mar 2010 16:36:50 +0000

[2nd UPDATE: They fixed it, but Homebrewed is still #1 (for now...)]

[UPDATE: Nick -- of Nick & Josh -- posted the wrong audio file, so the podcast I refer to is not yet up. This action demotes Nick & Josh to the second best podcast in all of Christendom, and vaults Homebrewed Christianity back into first place.]

Rick Bennett posted a completely redonkulous fictional dialogue around Oscar time. Well, a couple weeks ago, after a few glasses of wine, some of us at Theology after Google did a dramatic reading of the post, and it’s now been posted at the Nick & Josh Podcast:

Based on the blog post by Rick Bennett entitled “an imagined conversation: Oscar Round-Table with Mark Driscoll, Brian McLaren, Ed Young, Jr, David Dark and the Rev. Smith, pastor of Berean Baptist Church,” Josh grabbed this reading with a group of folk sitting around for dinner and drinks after the last session of Theology After Google (Claremont 2010). Included in this mix are the following:

CTT: Philip Clayton

Mark Driscoll: Ryan Parker

Brian McLaren: Joshua Case

Ed Young Jr: Chad Crawford

David Dark: Tony Jones

Rev. Smith: Bob Cornwall

via » The Nick & Josh Podcast.

Tilting at (Real) Theological Windmills

Tony Jones — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:13:08 +0000

Tripp "Sancho Panza" Fuller and Philip "Don Quixote" Clayton, by Dave Huth

If there’s a Don Quixote of theology, it may be Philip Clayton, in that he attacks orthodoxies with an evangelical zeal rarely found in liberal and progressive ecclesial circles. Tripp Fuller, Clayton’s erstwhile doctoral student and cornhole zealot, shares the wry, earthy wit of Quixote’s sidekick, Sancho Panza. I first made this allusion in the preface to Transforming Christian Theology: For Church and Society, the book penned by Clayton and Fuller, and they proved true to these characterizations last week at Theology after Google.

My thanks to them for bringing together this event. In many ways, it felt like an early emergent event, in that the quality and curiosity of all participants — those in front, and those in the audience — was uncommonly high. And also, because of that quality, the participants walked away somewhat disappointed. That’s because this was a demanding group, and because events, by their nature are bound to disappoint. Someone’s constituency is always underrepresented; someone else’s ego not sufficiently stroked; and someone else is convinced they could have given a superior presentation (which surely they could have).

For these reasons, it’s a difficult task to produce an event — more difficult, I’ll say, than producing something more static, like an article or a book (or a blog post!). So, I write to publicly express my gratitude to Don and Sancho for sharpening their lances and throwing a great party last week. Bravo! (And thanks to Dave Huth for taking me up on the challenge of the above illustration!)

HuffPost Religion: B+ So Far

Tony Jones — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 15:48:10 +0000

I’ve hoped for a while that the Huffington Post would get into religion, and they have, with Paul Raushenbush. They’ve got a new section covering religion, and so far I give it a B+. Unfortunately, it trots out some of the same old voices, saying the same old things. But they’ve also got some fresh faces, and even a little humor, like this laugh-out-loud post by John Bobey:

John
Hello…God?

God
Hey John, what can I do for you?

John
Wow, I never thought you’d answer.

God
Well, the time before Easter and the Oscars is my slow season. Don’t make me sorry I didn’t screen this prayer–what’s up?

John
I was wondering–did you have Margaret break up with me on Valentine’s Day as a way of letting me know there’s someone better out there?

God
Um…yeah, if that will that make you feel better…and stop lying on the floor in the dark, rocking back and forth in the fetal position while crying and listening to R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts?”

John
You saw that?

God
Watching you blubber is the only time I wish I wasn’t all-seeing. Well, that and during “Two and a Half Men.”

Read the rest at John Bobey: Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret’s Ex.

More on the Ordo Salutis (and Sex)

Tony Jones — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:18:13 +0000

I mentioned the ordo salutis a couple days ago, which got Bo Sanders to laughing about the silliness of salvation being portrayed like a factory assembly line. But better than all that was a comment by “Dan” under Bo’s post. Here it is:

I decided that my wife and I should have a romantic Valentine’s Day.  We’ve been married for almost 22 years and I have gotten really good at romancing her.  I know exactly what to do to put her in the mood to be intimate with me (foreknowledge).

So I planned a ridiculously romantic evening – leaving nothing to chance – every last detail (predestination).

I called my wife from work and told her we would meet at our favorite restaurant (calling).

I waited at the restaurant trusting that she would show up as promised (faith).

It took me a few minutes but I altered my disposition from get stuff done, work guy to slow down, be attentive, romantic guy (repentance).

My wife acknowledged my attention and sent me signals all evening that she approved of how I was treating her (justification).

My wife decided to skip dessert because she had made up her mind that she was ready to make love to me, she had been romanced sufficiently (regeneration).

My wife began to adopt a very provocative posture toward me and flirted with me the whole way home (adoption).

The drive home took forever, this woman wanted me, we couldn’t get home quick enough (perseverance).

Wouldn’t you know it, we got a flat tire on the freeway.  I changed the tire in record time but I scraped my knuckled on the asphalt as I was lifting the tire off the rim and I got oil on my best suit (mortification).

I was sure the sex would make the bloody knuckles and the dry cleaning bill all worth while. My wife told me how wonderful I was and that she would rather be with me than any other man on the planet (sanctification).

When we got home things started off wonderfully (glorification), but  my recurring problem with ED made it necessary to hope that the future would bring the satisfaction we were unable to obtain that evening (after all we are evangelicals and our glorification is already but not yet).

Funny thing is, my wife showed up the next day at work and we did it in the broom closet.

Funny how relationships never go as planned.  The good ones anyway.

Thanks, Dan!